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Pitar Paksha – Caring for your aged parents

PITAR PAKSHA MESSAGE – Caring for Aged Parents

By – Dr Roshan Singh – Jyotishacharya Shastri Pundit

Take care of your parents now and always.

As parents age, it is inevitable that their bodies will gradually weaken and deteriorate in a variety of ways, making them increasingly susceptible to physical illnesses that can affect every organ in their system.  As the realization grows that there is no escape, the aging individual must try to find some way to come to terms with the disturbing new reality. In their old age they look forward to being with their family, to play and laugh with their grandchildren – but these dreams are shattered when they are deprived of love and care when they need it most. Their last days are spent in some old age home while their children live and enjoy comfortable lives. They forget the love, care, affection and effort that was put in by their parents to educate, clothe and bring them to where they are today.

Filial piety is an important factor in caring for the aged in our traditional Indian society.  As Indians it has long been the norm for us to accommodate and nurse the aged parents in our own homes as far as possible. Out of the 46 great cultures of the world the only culture that has survived and is still practices is that of the Indian culture. The Roman, Athenian, Greek cultures that ruled over time have come to nothingness.  Indians therefore do not follow a manmade religion but a culture that has been established by God Himself – it is eternal, has no beginning and therefore cannot have an end. Part of this great culture is demonstrated by the love and care that family members have for one another. Many people still choose to follow the customs and traditions fully and incorporate this with their support for one another and choose to live communally.  This is greatly advantageous to each member as they have a strong support system.

With the onslaught of western influence many people have imbibed a western way of life in their code of conduct, language, culture and traditions, dress and living habits.  This has had a very negative influence upon their lives as they prefer to be westernised in their thinking and acting. One very important aspect of their lives is that they choose to lead independent lives from their parents.

Do children owe any legal liability to care for old and disabled parents? Unfortunately the answer is “No”.  Parents simply have to depend on the goodwill of their children.  Although we are proud about our values, and cultural heritage, unfortunately the number of elderly citizens with no savings are abandoned by their families is growing in our community.  The problem for us to consider is whether our values, including filial devotion and reciprocal love for children are being eroded because of a breakdown in traditional family relations and a changed economic and demographic profile.

Cramped flats and squatter houses are not places which are conducive to the accommodation of aged parents.  There have been numerous cases in which old people have been neglected by their children or relatives.  This is a sad situation where good values and traditions are no longer practiced.

Welfare homes and their environment for the most part are also not places which are conducive to the accommodation of aged parents.  Of all living alternatives, placement in an Old Age Home is without doubt the most sensitive issue often provoking guilt through self-accusations of ingratitude, lack of devotion or filial piety and abandonment. Can you imagine the life of a person who was free and happy all along to be now virtually “caged” within the confines of a “home”.

A nursing home, although somewhat expensive, offers the most satisfactory alternative.  Each person must decide for himself and understand that there are no perfect choices.  While long term institutionalization is a painful issue, it is essential to provide appropriate care for a debilitated parent.

Placement in a nursing facility does not mean ‘putting your aged parent away’, or at least it shouldn’t.  Family involvement remains essential for proper care, from the first step of choosing the facility, to maintaining an ongoing relationship with the staff, to regularly visiting the parent and involving him or her in family matters.  They need cheering up and to know that there are people who really care for them.

Certain irresponsible persons with ill or aged parents get them admitted into third class wards of hospitals, leaving false addresses and just disappear from the scene. 

True story of my own experience

I know of a true case where a doctor admitted his mother in an old age home and promised to visit and see to her upkeep on a regular basis but never returned to see her again.  The mother would go to the gate of the old age home and sit there every day no matter if it was hot or cold and wait for the arrival of her son. (doctor) but he never came.  When called into the home she would say that her son promised to come for her and will be coming today.  In this way she died at the home and had a pauper’s burial.  By the way the “doctor” lives in plush 7 star home with his family and claim to be leading a good life and are happy.  He is the Chairman of a leading religious institution and teaches others about love of God but could not love his own mother. 

Most certainly he will be observing Pitar Paksha and making elaborate offerings of food to his departed parents.  May I ask to what avail is this offering going to be as he did not serve them when they were alive.  He has completely forgotten that his father worked at Natal Witness selling newspaper early in the morning and while his mother planted and sold dhanya and methi in a basket to earn the money to send him to varsity.

Second true story

I know of another son who got married and encouraged his parents to sell their home and give him the money to build another house where all of them could live together. He built a very big, modern and beautiful house. It became noticeable that the daughter in law did not like the idea to see them sitting in the well furnished lounge and especially on occasions when she had visitors or friends come over she would ask the elders to go to their room and “rest” obviously because they “did not match the furniture and curtaining.”

A caring attitude as well as concern for the aged parents must prevail if the older generation is not to be adversely affected by the rapid socio-economic changes of urbanization and industrialization.  It has to be realized that the aged are more affected by these changes and the degradation of moral values in society.  It should also encompass the responsible manner in which the elderly are treated, cared for, respected and honoured.

This aspect of caring for the aged parents requires collective responsibility.  It will also instill respect for the elderly as there is no better institution to care for the aged parents other than the family itself.

All our scriptures have thought children to pay special attention to father and mother.  There is an old adage which says  ‘Take good care of your parents for you will never know how much you miss them when they are gone’.

Love light and blessings

Dr Roshan Singh – Jyotishacharya Shastri Pundit

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